My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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