So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he puts the penis in happiness.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize