everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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