The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
