all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
