I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
