I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
