census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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