this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
