I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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