she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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