girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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