so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
