his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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