I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
