I wanna bring you to show and tell
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
