mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
