dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
