someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
