I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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