just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
