Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
