i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize