he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
