We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
