i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
