I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
