Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
