Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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