how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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