whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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