Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
