fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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