I love black thongs
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize