I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
