Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
