The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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