Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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