I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
