After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
