don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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