Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
