as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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