he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
