you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize