yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
