I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
