Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
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