Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
