Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
