just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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