john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
