singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
