I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
