So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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