We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
