if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
