apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
