Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize