Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
