I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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